MY JOURNEY WITH DISORDERED EATING

Today I am going to talk about my journey with disordered eating as a personal trainer and nutrition + health coach.

This is one of those situations where I kind of knew that my eating patterns weren’t the healthiest or sustainable necessarily.  But I always felt like it was ‘in the name of health’ and I was wrong…

**Disclaimer - I am a health coach, not a medical doctor.  Please take this story as me sharing my journey, and not diagnosing anything.  Please consult your doctor with questions / concerns.**

So quick little backstory to introduce all of this.

I was raised by my parents who have always been in good shape, healthy and prioritized eating well and moving their bodies.  And so we as kids, always did the same and followed their lead.

I was NOT taught disordered eating from my parents.  It was a learned behavior as I grew up and especially when I moved out and went off the college.  

And honestly, for that I am so grateful, because I can’t even imagine where I would be had I learned disordered eating patterns from a young age.

When I went off to college, I was still very active.  But I drank a lot of beer on a lot of nights of the week lol, and I ate a lot of food and most of which was not the best for me.  So I felt like crap which just spiraled into worse and worse eating habits.

As I started to learn more about nutrition during school, and started to take running a bit more seriously [ex marathoner here] I turned the opposite direction and got a little obsessed with how I looked and that created an obsession with what I was eating and what I was not eating.

I didn’t really slow down my drinking, unless I was deep into high mileage of my training programs.

And I didn’t necessarily eat that much better.  I just ate a lot less.  

Like I was eating cereal for almost every meal, and then I would have a big helping of spaghetti the night before long runs.  But rarely was I eating fruits and vegetables at a consistent rate.  

So I still was not feeling that good.  

But I was losing weight.  I was not eating enough to support my activity.  So I lost weight and therefore I assumed I was doing things right and was supporting my body.  However, that was not the case.  

I was always sore, my stomach was always bloated and in pain.  Which I will share that story another time….

This went on basically until I graduated from college and got further into my personal training career.

When I gained more knowledge and qualifications within nutrition I started recognizing that I was not following the guidelines that I was working with my clients on, I wasn’t doing things to support my body.  

I was still eating a lot of cereal and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches etc…

When I moved up to the twin cities here in MN, I got a job at a gym where a lot of the members and trainers had experience and interest in body building.  Which is actually where I got into lifting myself.  Which I am grateful for.  

But I got really deep into my disordered eating patterns there.

Everything I did revolved around what I would eat, meal prepping, meal planning, when was my workout, how would the timing of my workout affect my meals… and I was not body building.  I was a very thin gal who just was obsessed with being this small version of me and like I loved when my clients or members would compliment me.. and its common for people to be like “what workouts do you do, what do you eat - I want to look like you…”  which just exacerbates your obsession with what you look like and further makes you obsessed with what you eat.  

And so I was tracking my macros.  I was prepping every meal, eating super boring most of the time… 

And even though I was super conscious of what I was eating, I had the knowledge… I was still not supporting my body.  I was focused on protein protein protein, less carbs.. and I didn’t even really pay attention to fruits and veggies.  Like I ate them sometimes, but I wasn’t totally focused on them to help support my body.. like at all.

And you guys, I was tracking an ice cream Twix bar into my macros every single night.  Like, that makes me want to punch myself in the face.  Just eat it… what the hell…

Okay, so there is a term that has gotten a lot of attention lately on social media.

Orthorexia.

Orthorexia is an obsession with being healthy, to a point where it's actually not healthy.

And this is exactly what I was living.

I was overly obsessed with getting in all of my workouts.

Over obsessed with eating my exact macro needs.

The thing that finally really clicked for me that I needed to address my eating habits a bit and my mindset and relationship with how I ate…

Was when I thought about doing a bikini competition.

I basically committed and partnered up with my friend Kim, who was super motivated to do this.  And I was like yeah, let’s do it.  I had always wanted to see if I could get a 6 pack, figured this would do it.

And when we met with the trainer who was going to coach us, he put us essentially on the exact same nutrition plan.

Mind you, I am 5 ft 8 inches tall.

My friend Kim, was barely even 5 feet tall.  Im honestly not sure if she is even 5 feet tall.  Tiny.

We have very different nutritional needs not only as humans, but as very differently sized humans.

So that turned me off a bit, I got a little irritated.

But I did the first week of the nutrition plan and the workouts…

I lost like 6lbs. Which is far too much weight to lose in a week.  It was predominantly water weight, I was carb cycling.

But that made me really rebellious against the thought of this nutrition plan.

That weekend after my first week of the workout and nutrition plan, Kim and I went to a bikini show to check it out and see what it was like, I had never been to one. and I was like… noooooo this is nottttt for me.  Like none of it.  Not me.  In any way.

So I paid the coach and didn’t go any further with it.

However, this was prior to my wedding I think.  And so I took some of that information I learned and applied it in my own obsessive way to reach the goals I wanted to reach for how I would look on my wedding day.

Now I can’t remember like an exact moment in time… or what exactly essentially did it to make me explore my current habits.

But it was somewhere along the way when we were living in Thailand.

I had the time to slow down and appreciate my food.  And appreciate my body.  And really get in tune with me.  I was also getting certified as a nutrition coach at the time.. so it was a super good time for me to apply that learning to myself.

And over the last, I would say 4 years… I have really continued to dive into studying human behavior more.  And studying behavior change, even deeper than I had prior.

And I started to kind of coach myself.  And ask myself the questions that I might ask a client.

And when I did that I learned a lot about myself and my ways and my triggers and my tendencies and my obsessive nature when it came to being healthy.

As I was currently working through that… while I was in Thailand I started coaching a client / friend through her self love and health/wellness journey.  And she was super self aware and really engaged and committed to working on herself in a gentle and loving way.

And she taught me so much, actually.  Which everyone I work with does, but she taught me the most I think… ever.

And through that journey I realized wow, I’m creating and holding this space for her to feel these things and be gentle with herself in the process.  Yet I’m not truly doing that for me.  Wth…

So then I went deeper into that journey.  Figured out wow… I have not only created an awful relationship with my health journey… but I have probably made that journey worse for some people just due to my own issues.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “food is fuel” when I was like 24… like, shut up Brittany.

No, food is love, its memories, its emotion, its currency, its energy… it is so much.

Yes, it is fuel for our body.  But that fuel shouldn’t take away from the joy we experience as human beings.

I used to restrict myself so much, to the point where when I did eat cookies or brownies.. things I literally love - I would eat them to the point of not feeling well.

When I would go out to eat, I would always order something not healthy, because I had no self control when I would go outside of my normal routine.  And I would eat all of it.  Again, to the point where I didn’t feel well.

A few things I have done over the course of time, and very slowly to help get me to the point where I am just intuitively eating what my body needs and sometimes eating what my mind wants… like gummy worms.. right?

1. Stopped tracking my calories and macros.

2. Stopped forcing myself to eat chicken breast for lunch every single day.

3. Started eating mindfully, I pay attention to when I am hungry, satisfied, full etc and I respond to those needs accordingly.

4. I stopped restricting myself from eating certain foods.  I worked on savoring and experiencing the food I wanted so that I became aware of how much I actually wanted, instead of bingeing on that food until I felt physically ill.

5. I started paying attention to how I felt after eating foods.  If I bloat after a meal, I take account of that so I can make a conscious decision next time I eat that food - do I want to feel bloated, is it worth it etc?  [I also do food sensitivity tests to help me work through gut imbalances at times so that I can truly feel really good and supported by a healthy gut]
   ***last time I ate chicken Alfredo I bloated and felt like crap, do I want to feel that way tonight.. maybe ill eat a little less and have a salad to help with some digestion to get that fiber up..  that is a lot different than saying, I will eat less so that I can weigh less.  Do you hear the difference??

6. Stopped obsessing over a missed workout.

7. I ask myself open ended questions about how I am feeling, what I need and what might help me XYZ…. It has helped immensely to do this.

Now, I truly eat what I want when I want it.  I slow down and savor sweets.  And I try to focus only on my food when I eat a meal, though that is easier when I am alone lol.  I have two toddlers so that isn’t always easy…

I eat breakfast typically right away when I wake up, but if I’m not feeling it… I wait until I want it.

I drink water all day.  But I enjoy coffee in the morning, a Fresca in the afternoon and a Dr Pepper when I have the itch for it.

I do not judge myself for eating too much, or not eating enough veggies.

What I do do though, is check in.  “Oh wow, I didn’t really eat any veggies today… to make sure I stay regular and support my body I will just get back to it tomorrow.  I won’t double up or force it… I’ll just get back to it. I’ll get back to my awareness of what I put into my meals.”  I also acknowledge what may have caused me to miss out on veggies that day.  Had we run out and I didn’t have anything in the fridge?  Do I need to put in a grocery order?  Was I in a rush?  Did I forget to make my juice?  And then from there I can pause and see what I can do to ensure I slow down and increase my awareness and my routine.

Diet culture has a hold on us.  We are taught from such a young age to take up less space as a woman, be small yet have curves, but only in the right places and look perfect, but don’t take too much time trying.  And that my friend is exhausting.

I have truly never felt so free when I let go of diet culture, and helping other people ditch that mentality has just continued to evolve my journey and my true belief that this is the way we are supposed to eat and live.

We are supposed to live in joy.

We are supposed to move our bodies daily, yes it is good for us - but we should do it in a way that supports our mental health, in a way that we enjoy, in a way that serves us and honors where we are in our life.

We should eat well, we should eat fruits and veggies and eat balanced macronutrients and micronutrients, but we shouldn’t obsess over it.  It should happen fairly naturally just by being in tune with our hunger cues and our awareness of the foods we eat and what they do to serve us.

We also need to sleep, and surround ourselves with supportive people who lift you up and never tear you down and make you doubt yourself.

We need to give ourselves grace and lean into self care activities that make you forget to check your phone.

As a mom, it is so important to do this for ourselves.  But let’s also allow ourselves to enter into this journey with the knowing that our kids are going to benefit from this as well.  And I think a lot of times we have an easier time heading into a journey knowing others will serve from it, right?  Because as a mom we are selfish only when it benefits our family sometimes.  So use that as initial motivation if you need to to get started.  But ultimately, we should work towards that motivation turning inward into ourselves… so that we can work towards our ultimate vision and purpose for ourself and our health and wellness.

You deserve to feel so good.

You deserve to be the best version of you.

This is a project and journey that never truly ends… we work on ourselves until the end of our time here.

And that journey can be enjoyable if we allow it to be, and if we focus on that being possible.

I see you.

I am here for you.

Sending you so much love.

I hope you gained a little something from this video/article.

I would love to answer any questions you might have.  Comment below and let me know your thoughts and if you want me to share more videos / blog posts like this…

Okay, I’ll see you next time!

ily,

brittany :)